Dating App Burnout

Over the past few years, I have worked with many individuals of varying gender, age and sexual orientation that are seeking romance through dating apps. No matter how old you are, what relationship type you are looking for, your sexual orientation or what gender you identify as, I have noticed a commonality amongst everyone: feeling emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted and feeling stressed out and drained by dating and using the apps.

Dating apps are supposedly meant to streamline and ease the process of finding a partner- so why are so many people experiencing burn out on these apps?

It takes emotional and mental energy to engage with strangers online. Dating, especially, can feel so vulnerable and risky to begin with.

Using dating apps is similar to using social media. We often devote a lot of our time and energy to scrolling on profiles and trying to determine if we want to swipe right. We get an endorphin rush when we like someone and experience a crash when we aren't liked back or the "match” doesn't go anywhere.

When meeting someone through a dating app, it’s normal to imagine what they're like as a partner and what a future could look like with them. However, exploring those fantasies uses a lot of bandwidth and that’s just if you actually make it to the dating phase. Let’s not forget the emotional energy that it takes to navigate bad profiles, matching but never talking, texting but never meeting or the uninspired single "hey" messages.

We are riding an emotional roller coaster before even meeting someone in person. The ups and downs of attraction, anticipation, excitement and disappointment are intense. We often barely have time to recover before hopping back on the ride and continuing to swipe.

How can you tell if you are burning out on dating apps?

Burn out is the overworking and eventual depletion of a resource (in this case mental, emotional and psychological energy) leading to poor functionality and eventual breakdown.

Signs that you might be experiencing dating app burnout include:

Dreading opening the apps. Feeling fatigued, sadness and/or numbness when reaching for your phone to look at your dating apps. Ask yourself if you are putting pressure on yourself to meet someone new? Do you experience increasing anger, frustration and sadness when you don't match with anyone or the date doesn't go well? Checking in with how proportionate our emotional responses are to the situation is a helpful sign to tell if you are burning out.

Frequency and duration. How often are you using the apps? Does your thumb automatically go to the app even when you are picking up your phone for a different reason? We can sometimes mix up the immediate serotonin hit of a match with a desire to meet a potential partner. Remember, these apps are specifically designed to target the “feel good” neurotransmitters in your brain when you use them. Dating can already feel like a part time job. It’s no wonder we can feel so exhausted when you add the short term flooding (and then crashing) of serotonin into the mix.

A lack of excitement and fun. Feeling irritated or overwhelmed when thinking about meeting new people can be another sign of burnout. Dating is supposed to be fun (at least some of the time.) But just because you are looking for love doesn't mean you always have the emotional bandwidth to put yourself out there. If you are not enjoying yourself and the experience of getting to know someone new, you might be burning out!

Tips on how to reduce and recover from dating app burnout.

1.) Take breaks! It is so important to take breaks from dating in general. Rest and rejuvenate. Take a few weeks off from using your apps and check in with yourself to see how you are feeling. If a genuine interest to meet new people stirs in you once again, go for it! 

2.) Experience your life outside of dating. Spending time with friends and family can help to ground you. Sometimes we get swept away by the idea of finding someone to fall in love with and we can miss out on the love that we already have with our closest support networks.

3.) Do self-care activities. Try new things. Join an exercise class, go to a museum or get a massage. Focus on what you can give to yourself every once in a while. Taking care of yourself is one of the most important elements of recovering from and preventing burnout.

4.) On that note, go on solo dates! I know this one can feel intimidating sometimes, but treating yourself to dinner or a fun experience can relieve a lot of the pressure we feel to date. Going out by yourself can help to improve confidence and self-assuredness. Strengthening these qualities can also be beneficial when you start dating again.

5.) If you still want to date, try activities and meetups that are targeted for single people. Sometimes the apps feel like a numbers game. Intentionally putting yourself in situations where everyone is looking for similar things might help. You can take cooking classes or join casual sports teams. Doing activities you love with new people can change the game!

6.) Therapy. Navigating the emotional ups and downs of dating can sometimes feel overwhelming on our own. Many individuals feel encouraged and relieved to be able to talk about their dating experiences to a third party, non-objective and non-judgmental person that is outside of their social groups.

If you have questions about how therapy can help you with dating app burn out, you can reach out to me at: gisele@giseleliakostherapy.com.