Rebuilding Trust

Throughout my work as a therapist I have encountered many individuals and couples looking to explore rebuilding trust in their relationships. The subject comes up when my patients notice feelings of resentment and frustration towards their friends, partners or family members. There also may have been a clear rupture or trust breaking incident. Below are the most common questions I receive.

1. Are issues with trust in a relationship resolvable? 

The short answer is yes. The long answer is yes and it takes work from both parties. Rebuilding trust is a difficult task made more challenging when only one person is trying to heal the wound. Many individuals never learn the skills they need for healthy and safe conflict resolution. 

It can be helpful when partners/friends/family members approach discussions around rebuilding trust with willingness, openness and courage. It takes strength to allow oneself to feel the often painful and overwhelming emotions that can arise when trust is broken. It is normal to feel confused about how to move forward. 

Trust is a choice that we can make and it is something that we earn.

2. What are some of the reasons why people can lose trust in their relationship? 

Many things can cause strain or break trust in a relationship. Mismatched expectations, poor communication, a lack of empathy and perspective taking, and different attachment styles are common factors. When trust is broken, we can find ourselves becoming defensive and protective of our wants and needs. Emotions get heightened and it can be difficult to slow down and try to understand one another. 

 Another common culprit to broken trust is the belief that the person we are having issues with should “just know.” We are not mind readers, but sometimes we expect others to be. Without clear and concise communication and healthy boundary setting, we are truly unable to “just know.”

3. How can we restore trust? 

There are varying degrees of broken trust and it is dependent on each unique couple, friend group or family dynamic to be able to heal together for broken trust to be restored. Everyone has different histories and relationship experiences that they filter their lives through and that can make healing even more challenging.

 It is important to remember that healing broken trust takes time and patience. We often have to allow ourselves to move through our emotions. Making space for our feelings, taking ownership of our behaviors and seeking understanding as to why the trust had been broken in the first place are all steps in the direction of rebuilding trust.

4. How do we maintain trust in relationships?

Healthy communication and boundary setting are some of the most powerful skills that you can learn. Having a genuine desire to work together on the healing journey is also very important. For example, many couples come to me who are in competition with one another without even being aware of it. They are hurting and feeling scared and have been taught to believe that someone needs to "win" in order for the relationship to move forward.

 I often remind my patients that they are on the same team working together to achieve a shared goal. This perspective can help couples remember why they are together in the first place and how to actively listen to one another instead of making assumptions and trying to read each other's minds. 

5. Trust is a bridge.

 An analogy that my patients have found helpful is to imagine each person standing on either side of a ravine. The only way to cross the ravine is for each person to start building a bridge towards one another. But before they can do that, they need to look at the gap between them and reflect on the features and natural causes of this ravine. Only by understanding what we need to overcome can we begin to build a bridge across it.

Doing the activities that you enjoy together and experiencing each other outside of the lens of rebuilding trust also fortifies the bridge. Remember why you want to mend the bridge in the first place and why you want to work on fixing those trust issues!

Helpful tools to use on your healing journey:

Go to Therapy! Couples counseling or individual counseling or both! In therapy you can safely explore your:

 Relationship History - Our past relationships impact our partners just as much as they do us.  With a deeper understanding of how our past impacts our present we can break old and unhelpful patterns and start practicing healthy new ones.

 Family of Origin - Family dynamics can have a huge impact on our relationships. How we were raised often correlates with our relationship expectations and communication styles. We often filter our relationships through these initial lenses and our relationships can suffer without awareness of them.

Trauma History - Trauma can affect how we view our world and the people in it. Learning about our trauma history and understanding how it impacts us can be incredibly helpful in rebuilding trust. 

Some more tools: 

Impact statements: "I feel X when Y."

Identifying needs: "It would be helpful if you X..."

Active listening, also known as seeking to understand: not waiting for your turn to talk and truly listening to your partner.

Problem solving: externalizing, defining and blaming less.

Building a culture of appreciation: "catching them" doing good and not just looking out for the negatives.

For more questions please reach out to me via email: Gisele@giseleliakostherapy.com